I’ve been meaning to write this post for 6 months. Better late than never I guess. Of course, only a small percentage of you will even see it – but whatever.
Here’s a thought experiment for you.
I’ve noticed many times over the years – some people read my comments as defensive or insulting when I’m really just being dry and unbothered.
The reason is simple misinterpretation.
I read an article a long time ago about how psychologists have found that the way your parents spoke to you can become your inner voice – that little narrator in your head that processes everything you read and hear. If you grew up with defensive or accusatory parents, that’s probably how you’re reading most things, including my comments. These attitudes get embedded in your earliest childhood experiences and stick with you into adulthood.
Now – while your inner voice is programmed, it can also be reprogrammed – through awareness or just life experience – knowingly or unknowingly. Just like some people take on their parents’ religion without question, others can out right reject it.
Anyway, often when I write something straightforward – no emotion, no agenda, just stating facts – some people’s brains automatically add a defensive or aggressive tone that isn’t there. They’re filling in the blanks with their own assumptions and feelings. It’s like they’re reading everything through a filter installed decades ago.
Research shows that people think others understand their messages about 90 percent of the time, but the actual number is closer to 50 percent. That’s a massive gap. And without tone, facial expressions, or body language, text communication forces people to project their own emotional state onto whatever they’re reading.
I’ve struggled with understanding this many times over the years – as you probably have too – thinking that you have communicated something so clearly and then being shocked when someone misinterprets you.
Here’s the thing – my comments should be read in the tone of Daria Morgendorffer – from the 90s Daria cartoon.
Daria observes absurdity and hypocrisy in a completely flat, monotone delivery. She’s not trying to be mean – she’s just calling out what’s ridiculous about a situation. Zero emotion. Just observation with a side of sardonic commentary. That’s my natural state in text.
But some people read me like I’m Kathy Griffin – loud, aggressive, confrontational. When really I’m just… there. Existing. Saying words. Pointing out contradictions. Being direct.
And people often confuse directness with meanness. I don’t do the whole sandwich method of criticism where you say something nice, slip in the real point, then say something nice again to soften the blow. I just say the thing. If someone asks a question, I answer it. If someone’s wrong about something, I correct it. There’s no malice in that – it’s just efficient communication.
This style is usually only a problem for women. People expect us to be “nice” and nurturing, like the whole world is our child. But I communicate with other adults like they are adults. And that may because since I do not have any children (by choice) – I’ve never had to code switch.
That being said – when people communicate with me in a kind and respectful way – I tend to mirror that back.
People tend to assume the worst when the intent of communication isn’t clear, which is probably an evolutionary thing. Our brains still have that negative bias that once alerted our ancestors to potential dangers, and now it just makes us read “OK” as passive-aggressive.
Fun Fact: People who know me in real life have been calling me Daria-like for years. Whether that’s because I actually have that personality or because I absorbed it from working on the same floor as the Daria team at MTV in the late 90s when I was in my 20s – who knows. Probably both.
The RATC character is literally designed to be the anti-Curtis Yarvin. I saw this ridiculous photoshoot where he was wearing a moto biker jacket trying to look edgy, so I put her in one too. The heart sunglasses also serve a specific purpose – they signal that there’s love behind everything I say. Because in the end, I do want the best for everyone.
When I worked with musicians, I’d often have to remind clients that if they thought I was being too critical, it was only because I wanted them to succeed. I respected them enough to be honest with them instead of blowing smoke up their ass. Same principle applies here.
But don’t get me wrong – to be clear – I don’t care if people disagree with me.
Disagreement is fine. Debate is fine. What gets old is when people come in hot and antagonizing, or when they take a simple factual statement and somehow turn it into a personal attack in their heads. And I admit I sometimes do this too, but honestly, I don’t even mind being insulted as long as you can take it as well as you give it. That’s just fair play.
Anyway, this whole misinterpretation thing is worth thinking about.
Next time you read something and feel yourself getting defensive or offended, ask yourself if the words actually say what you think they say, or if you’re hearing them in a voice that isn’t there. Maybe you’re reading them in your mom’s disappointed tone or your dad’s critical voice, when really they were just written by some person who types the same way they’d order coffee – direct, no frills, moving on with their day.
The point isn’t that I’m being misunderstood and everyone needs to adjust for me. The point is that we’re all walking around projecting our childhood baggage onto neutral text all day long, and maybe – just maybe – we should all take a breath before assuming someone’s being a jerk when they’re really just being… dry.
Okay – good talk.
